Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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