That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
