Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
