Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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