Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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