gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
