ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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