It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
