My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
