I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
