when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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