It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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