Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
