Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
