I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
