his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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