You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
