i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
