Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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