Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize