weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize