Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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