remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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