Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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