In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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