Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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