Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
