You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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