I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
