i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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