i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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