burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
