Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
