my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
