look no pants
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
