the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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