I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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