have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
