I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
