omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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