he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
