you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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