I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
