I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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