Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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