i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Just invented taco cereal.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
