i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
