i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
