I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
