I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
