I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
