you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
