You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
