Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
