apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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